Josef Hader – Hader on Ice

“There’s always something. Either my feet go numb or they itch. Then I can’t breathe when I walk faster. Or I break out in a sweat. Then I freeze again. I don’t enjoy my food anymore, sex is boring, my trousers are too tight. What is going on? It must all be climate change, right? Temperatures in summer are like in the tropics! That’s why there are suddenly these huge insects! They didn’t used to be there! When they sting you, you get swelling that doesn’t go away for months! They’re probably all genetically modified. And the plants! They’re going crazy too now. They’re mad, the plants! They’re growing everywhere! Since I stopped leaving the house. My theory is that the plants want to regain control of the planet. They’re all connected underground through their roots. Worldwide! The plants have a secret plan. They want to completely destroy Western culture and Austrian folk rock “n” roll. It’s all supposed to be replaced by, um, photosynthesis.”